Wants.

You might have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a month or so.  I told myself that's because I'm really good at starting things and once I know what they will be I'm not as interested in finishing them.

That's a lie.

The real problem is that I feel like I'm in this creative energy suck brought on by my lack of knowing or being able to express openly what I really want to do without fear of negative consequences.  I have this fear that if I say it and someone finds out bad things will happen.  Like if someone reads this and thinks I want to do all this other stuff they'll think I don't want THE JOB and not hire me.  But that my friends, and I think I can go ahead and say friends since no one besides the people I already know and love reads this anyway, is a mentality based on fear.  I will not be controlled by fear.

I'm over it. I'm so over it I made a list of all the things I WANT to do.  Most of them don't look like things I'm supposed to want to do, hence the fear.  Included on that list is to make this blog something I actually want to write.  The only way I can see to do that is to make it about doing the things I want to do. 

So here goes.

I want to be creative and do creative things. I want to can things. I already posted about that so I'm ahead of the game. I want to cook delicious food and have my husband love it. Not like, or put up with, LOVE it. That ones a bit tougher since our tastes differ tremendously. I want to make cheese again and use that yogotherm my husband lovingly got me for Christmas last year. I want to start a reading group with books about food and agriculture and relationships and life (let me know if you're interested.  I've already started a list and I would love to have people to talk to about them).  I want to talk to real, actual people in German so I can practice.  I want to buy a freaking house (this one really needs it's own post along with a time line). I want to build things to put in that house like headboards and bookcases and crates.  I want to help people grow things, help create a community garden, teach school garden classes, and start a community cannery.  I want to help people acquire domestic skills. I want to be successful a la the version generally attributed to Emerson and likely authored by Bessie Stanley who happens to be from Lincoln, Kansas of all places.

Which reminds me.  I want to write about Kansas as a place and a sense of place. I get to live in one of the most amazing places in the whole world and I really wish other people could see it the way I do. I've tried to explain it for years, but I haven't quite mastered it yet. I'll keep trying.